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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23855410">The lights turn off when I open my eyes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/anightskyperson/pseuds/anightskyperson'>anightskyperson</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Do we simply stare at what's horrible (and forgive it)? [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Depressive Episode, Hurt Peter Parker, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Metaphors, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Feels, Peter Parker Has Anxiety, Peter Parker Has Depression, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Has a Bad Day, Peter Parker Needs a Break, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker has PTSD, Peter Parker is a Mess, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Precious Peter Parker, Sensory Overload, Star Wars References, Stars, Stressed Peter Parker, Trauma, Whump</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:40:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,876</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23855410</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/anightskyperson/pseuds/anightskyperson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Peter wakes up, and the first thing he feels is pain.<br/>There’s a constant emptiness nestled deep into his chest, a familiar ache in his head and the desire to fall back asleep and make the whole world disappear.<br/>It’s 7:25 in the morning, thin stripes of light shine through the blinds, and his brain is on fire."</p><p>-</p><p>In which Peter has depression and knows he is doomed to collapse.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Do we simply stare at what's horrible (and forgive it)? [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1719043</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>155</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The lights turn off when I open my eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>series title by richard siken<br/>work title by the swmrs (song: ikea date)</p><p>this work essentially is a detailed description of a depressive episode. it includes sensory overload which could be interpreted as an anxiety attack.</p><p>(please proceed with caution and read the tags if any of this could be triggering.)</p><p>i love you, and thank you for reading. this means the world to me.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>"A star, more than three times the size of our sun, ought to end its life. How? </p><p><br/>
With a collapse, the gravitational  forces of the entire mass overcoming the electromagnetic forces of individual atoms, and so collapsing inwards. </p><p><br/>
The star, in fact, gets denser as atoms- even subatomic particles get literally crushed, smashed into smaller and smaller space. And at its end point, what are we left with? </p><p><br/>
A point. A space-time singularity... With extraordinary properties. Infinite density. </p><p><br/>
Space and time come to a stop.</p><p><br/>
All of the known laws of science- they just stop working."</p><p><br/>
-</p><p><br/>
Peter wakes up, and the first thing he feels is pain.</p><p><br/>
There’s a constant emptiness nestled deep into his chest, a familiar ache in his head and the desire to fall back asleep and make the whole world disappear.</p><p><br/>
It’s 7:25 in the morning, thin stripes of light shine through the blinds, and his brain is on fire.</p><p><br/>
Staring at the stretched- out rays on the wall in a haze, Peter tries to grapple with the fact that this is the way things are again.</p><p><br/>
It begins like this.</p><p><br/>
Peter blinks. </p><p><br/>
He allows his lungs to breathe in this stupor he got caught in, heart beating too fast in his chest.</p><p><br/>
There’s a weight in his body that pulls him down.</p><p> <br/>
He stands up in spite of it.</p><p><br/>
And gravity? </p><p><br/>
It slams in with full force.</p><p><br/>
Peter just stands next to his bed for a while, dazed and heavy, swaying slightly in his numbness as he feels the sheer mass of gravity pushing down on him and keeping him in place.</p><p><br/>
Dread slowly settles in his stomach. </p><p><br/>
It’s going to be a long day.</p><p><br/>
-</p><p><br/>
When stars die, their lives end very suddenly. </p><p><br/>
After spending their lives fusing hydrogen, maintaining the balance between gravity from the outside and the pressure from the inside becomes impossible. </p><p><br/>
This balance is what kept them alive. </p><p><br/>
Once they try to fuse iron to maintain it, a catastrophic end is certain. </p><p><br/>
They die because a part of them falls into their own core- collapsing when gravitation takes over, inevitably.</p><p><br/>
-</p><p><br/>
Peter does the math.</p><p><br/>
A total of eight hours will go by before he can go back to sleep. Eight hours of being perceived by real people in the outside world before he will be back to the safety of his dark room, alone.</p><p><br/>
If he could, he would skip forward to the end of this countdown right now, or rewind the tape and fall right back into bed.</p><p><br/>
Instead, he does the only thing that is an option in the first place.</p><p><br/>
He gets dressed, checks if his homework is in his backpack and, because May is still asleep, slips out of the front door quietly.</p><p><br/>
(It all takes more energy than it should.)</p><p><br/>
Objectively, it is a beautiful day. The sun shines, flowers are starting to bloom where winter has left the city desolate and birds are chirping up in the sky. </p><p><br/>
Peter makes his way though this world, and he is drowning.</p><p><br/>
He can’t help but wonder if it will always be this way, if he will forever feel as if he can’t carry his weight on his own two feet anymore; if what happens in the world will never make an impact on him again. </p><p><br/>
But he isn’t dumb. Even in this daze, he knows that he has felt this way before, that it all somehow somewhat fades away and that he will eventually feel like this again.</p><p><br/>
An endless repetition of collapsing and regaining the balance, winning back control momentarily only to lose it again in an instant.</p><p><br/>
He’s a dying star stuck in a loop. </p><p><br/>
He knows this as he drags himself to school.</p><p><br/>
-</p><p><br/>
Ned and MJ are having a heated discussion next to a row of lockers as he arrives.</p><p><br/>
"No! I’m telling you, they just can’t see well out of their helmets! Have you <em>seen</em> those things?"</p><p><br/>
"Maybe, but have you even thought about who they are as people? I think all of them were recruited against their will, and missing all these shots is just their way of rebelling against the empire."</p><p><br/>
Ned is clearly taken aback. "What? You can’t be serious! There’s <em>no</em> way that there’s a bigger reason behind it, they’re just the bad guys and don’t- Oh, hi, Peter!"</p><p><br/>
Peter manages a smile. </p><p><br/>
"Is this about stormtroopers?"</p><p><br/>
"Yeah, and Ned is buying into the narrative that characters can only either be good or bad," MJ rolls her eyes.</p><p><br/>
"Well, I think that it’s way too early in the morning to discuss such philosophical questions," Peter quips while taking out books from his locker. </p><p><br/>
He accidentally slams it shut just a bit too hard and winces involuntarily at the reminder of his headache.</p><p><br/>
"Come on,“ Ned pleads, "you <em>gotta</em> have an opinion about this!"</p><p><br/>
Peter shrugs. "Maybe they’re just poorly trained?"</p><p><br/>
Ned groans whereas MJ seems pleased with the answer. </p><p><br/>
"Alright, weirdos. I’ll see you at lunch," she says before disappearing in the crowded corridor.</p><p><br/>
The two boys start to make their way to the physics classroom.</p><p><br/>
"God, I forgot that we have to put up with Flash for the next hour," Ned says. "Hey, by the way, are you still up for watching Jurassic Park? I sent you a couple of texts this morning but you haven’t seen them yet."</p><p><br/>
Oh, right. He had forgotten about their plans to watch the movie at his place this afternoon.</p><p><br/>
"Uh, yeah, no, i guess I just didn’t check my phone." He scratches the back of his head.</p><p><br/>
"But you’re still up for it? Right?"<br/>
"Yeah, sure." Peter smiles weakly and inwardly curses himself for not remembering. Of course he likes Ned, and he likes hanging out with him, but the prospect of doing so in his current state just makes him dread the day even more.</p><p><br/>
He quickly chides himself for thinking this way. Who knows, maybe sitting on the sofa for a few hours isn’t going to be as tiring as he thinks. Also, it’ll make Ned happy. The two of them had wanted to meet up for for a long time now, and with all the exams coming up, this was probably their last chance.</p><p><br/>
"Okay, cool," Ned says cheerfully, but there is a careful undertone in his voice.</p><p><br/>
In class, Peter is distracted and can’t concentrate. But this is exam season, and school doesn’t care if you’re on the brink of a depressive episode, so he tries his best to take at least a few notes. </p><p><br/>
"Mr. Parker?"</p><p><br/>
His head snaps up.</p><p><br/>
"Huh?"</p><p><br/>
"Care to enlighten us with the equation?"</p><p><br/>
Peter looks to the board for clues as to what the question was, but everything blurs together.</p><p><br/>
It is silent for a few moments too long before he says "no".</p><p><br/>
Ms. Warren shoots him a look of disappointment before she moves on to the next student.</p><p><br/>
 Muted panic and embarrassment bleed up into his throat as Ned scribbles out a note for him:</p><p><br/>
"U okay?"</p><p><br/>
"Yeah," Peter writes back on his legal pad, heart still pounding in his chest.</p><p><br/>
He decides to keep his head down for the rest of the day.</p><p><br/>
-</p><p><br/>
MJ joins him for lunch while Ned is in another class.</p><p><br/>
She had just sat down and started reading when Peter decides to check his phone, screen too bright for his lingering headache. He scrolls through Ned’s and Tony’s texts from this morning but can’t take in any of the information.</p><p><br/>
One half of his brain feels like it’s gone, the other half weighs down on him and puts an odd pressure on his right eye.</p><p><br/>
(Sometimes, he wishes his brain and him could be separate. In reality, his brain is all he really is.)</p><p><br/>
"Is something wrong with you?"</p><p><br/>
Caught off guard, he looks up to MJ, who is watching him with sharp eyes.</p><p><br/>
"What?"</p><p><br/>
"It’s just, you know, I’m not a stalker or anything, but you’re kinda slow today."</p><p><br/>
Peter chuckles nervously. "What do you mean?"</p><p><br/>
"You’re being quiet."</p><p><br/>
"Yeah, I don’t know, I think I’m just tired."</p><p><br/>
"Alright," she says, grabbing her book again, "you’re still weird."</p><p><br/>
They end up studying together for the better part of an hour until Ned gets out of his class and MJ heads to a club meeting.</p><p><br/>
All Peter wants to do is to go home alone and sleep through the rest of the day, but a promise is a promise, so he finds himself in his flat, getting ready to watch the movie with Ned.</p><p><br/>
"Is May gonna be here?"</p><p><br/>
"No, she comes home around midnight," Peter says while opening the fridge, "we still have some leftover lasagna, though."</p><p><br/>
"Oh, good, I kinda forgot that lasagna still exists."</p><p><br/>
Peter huffs out a small laugh and goes on to prepare the food.</p><p><br/>
-</p><p><br/>
They’re a few minutes into the movie, and Peter already knows that this is not going to be enjoyable. He feels as if he’s in a trance, eyes glued to the screen but his mind wandering and thoughts incessantly going nowhere.</p><p><br/>
Time passes terribly slowly, and he can’t bring himself to react to any of Ned’s jokes. </p><p><br/>
He isn’t really in the room, and being aware of this only makes it worse because there is nothing he can do to get out of his daze.</p><p><br/>
Frustration creeps its way through his body; it seeps into his jaw, then his arms, his stomach, his chest, his lungs, and he’s suffocating.</p><p><br/>
Peter notices a tremor in his hand, and something inside him snaps.</p><p><br/>
"Ned- " he says breathlessly, before he can think about it.</p><p><br/>
He needs to be alone. He needs everything to stop.</p><p><br/>
"Yeah?" Ned turns his head to look at him, sound still blaring from the speakers, and it’s all too much.</p><p><br/>
"Dude, are you okay?"</p><p><br/>
Particles, getting crushed into smaller and smaller space -</p><p><br/>
 "Can you turn it off?"</p><p><br/>
Ned scrambles for the remote, and a few seconds later, there is silence.</p><p><br/>
"What’s wrong?"</p><p><br/>
Peter breathes.</p><p><br/>
"I’m sorry, I just- can you go home? I feel really bad."</p><p><br/>
Ned just stares at him.</p><p><br/>
"I- I think I’m coming down with something, and I don’t want- I just wanna go lie down for a bit."</p><p><br/>
"Sure," Ned says, "yeah. No problem."</p><p><br/>
Peter is so full of emotion, and at the same time so empty of it. He wonders if he’ll cry.</p><p><br/>
"I’m sorry," he says as he brings Ned to the door.</p><p><br/>
"No, that’s okay. If you don’t wanna come to school tomorrow, just text me, alright?"</p><p><br/>
"Alright." </p><p><br/>
The door finally closes, and he doesn’t know if he should feel regret or relief.</p><p><br/>
All he knows is that he’s dead on his feet. </p><p><br/>
Tired of himself.</p><p><br/>
(He’s collapsing. There’s an infinite density in his chest and it cannot be reversed.)</p><p><br/>
-</p><p><br/>
Solace is imminent when he lies down in his room.</p><p><br/>
A dull, soothing numbness faintly buzzes around him as he stares at the ceiling. </p><p><br/>
<em>Heavy</em>. And he allows himself to be.</p><p><br/>
Still, everything feels wrong. Being in this body, inhaling and exhaling, even the feeling of clothing on his skin -</p><p> <br/>
He closes his eyes.</p><p><br/>
It’s all wrong, and it’s terribly exhausting. </p><p><br/>
Sleep comes quickly to carry him away.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><br/>
(Near a black hole, time slows.)</p><p><br/>
The clock keeps ticking on his bedside table.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>depression is a very personal thing, and this is what it feels like to me. i hope this makes you feel less alone, whatever you may be dealing with.</p><p>my main inspiration for the star metaphor was the movie "the theory of everything", and the beginning is a slightly modified excerpt of its script.</p><p>i remember feeling a deep sense of comfort at someone in this film just saying "when stars die,".</p><p>even stars collapse.</p><p>and it's happening out there, right now.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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